OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN
the Ones Who Are Not Caregivers...
OTHER PEOPLE’S CHILDREN
Sometimes I wonder, not a lot, but sometimes I wonder about other people’s children.
And then there are times when people even compliment me on my efforts to care for my Mom in reference to other people’s children. Since I am currently residing in a Senior Living Community, many of the residents’ comment on the fact that there are quite a few people with children whose children never seem to visit. Other people’s children.
I have just one thing to say regarding “other people’s children.” It is simply this…There is a reason why you don’t see other people’s children and from the child’s perspective it is a good reason.
But still I wonder.
I wonder and then I look for differences in me and in other people’s children. Differences which would explain why I am here as my Mother’s Caregiver and other kids are not.
First, I must say that each and every one of my Friends who has found themselves in the position where a parent needed care has stepped up to provide that care. All of my Friends have been Caregivers—in many different capacities but Caregiver’s just the same. They have all walked in Caregiver shoes. They are not the children to whom I am referring. It’s the others.
Those are the stories I don’t know.
My Brother isn’t our Mother’s Caregiver because I am. That’s easily explained.
What about the people with kids who need Caregivers but who don’t have children stepping up to assume the position?
The thing is, I am well aware that there are two sides to every story. But I do find it interesting that many people’s children simply seem to have other plans.
Once the Pharmacist thanked me for accompanying my Mom to receive her vaccines. Her exact words were, “Some kids send their elderly parents here alone, so we Thank You for coming with her.” Other people’s children.
After watching me interact with my Mom, a woman at the Audiologist’s office told my Mother, “I envy your walker and your Daughter.” She looked at me and smiled. She continued to nod at me and smile as she walked out of the door. I wondered if she has children.
Today my Mother told me that she didn’t need me and that she was perfectly capable of living alone.
I seriously thought about leaving. I am still thinking about leaving.
The thing is, I know that she needs me. I know that she cannot live alone. I know that through the Grace of God and my being here, she is still alive. I know that the only reason she is “fine” is because she is well taken care of by me! I do not take that for granted.
I also believe that if I leave, she will die. If not immediately, much sooner than she would if I was here. I’m not sure that I could live with that. I need to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see when I’m looking at me.
But I don’t want to die while I am working so hard to keep her alive.
I stepped up to be her Caregiver because I didn’t believe that I had a choice. There was no one else. There is still no one else.
Right now, here at this moment, I sincerely wish that I was one of those other people’s children.
Other people’s children who live their own lives.
Other people’s children who don’t even try on the Caregiver shoes.
Other people’s children who have other plans.
Other people’s children who have good reasons for not being Caregivers.
LISTEN TO THE COMPANION PODCAST
ALSO AVAILABLE ON YouTube
We can't be other peoples kids any more than we can be the first man on the moon. That was not our assignment. This is. I have siblings and yet, here I am. I chose to be here because I knew they could not and although they offered to help and support I have come to realize their limitations and what I can and cannot expect from them. Not everyone is made to be a caregiver and those that are forced into it kicking and screaming are usually the ones that don't last as long as their carees or the result is awful for everyone involved. Those of us who are open, honest, and have faith and a community of sorts where we can hash out our feelings, good, bad, or indifferent are more likely to survive and thrive after the season passes. We know what our role is. We know what we signed up for (to a certain degree), we took the role because we know what our carees need and we want to be sure they get the best until all we've done isn't enough. Their safety, their quality of life, their time left being the best it can be while they are still here is my driving factor and I believe it to be the same for you and others as well. Even when I get a 48-hour respite which is needed beyond words my mind is still with my caree wondering if they are getting what they need knowing that no one can do it like I do. No one knows the looks, the sighs, the shuffles, even the cursing, agitation and repeated questions all mean different things at different times. The constant wandering is her way of settling herself down until she is comfortable in her skin again. She's a stranger to herself just as much as she is to me and she has to find her center and if wandering the house 20+ times at 1, 3 and 5:00 am helps that happen, so be it. So, I don't want to be other people's kids. Hell, let me be honest, I didn't want to be her kid. My life was hell. But God... He healed me, I forgave her, I love her in an appropriate way not the desperate, clingy way growing up (she was my idol for many, many years and I was her Cinderella,( the step-child) although she birthed me. Now, we are friends, have great laughs and have settled into a good relationship. Yes, buttons get pushed, things get said, old wounds break open but God is always there helping me push forward, letting go and loving her instead of retreating and beating myself up. It's been a great learning experience for me, very cathartic and extremely spiritual and personal. A new beginning at the end of something that was once terrible. Only God. So here I am. Me. Not anybody else because in my case other peoples kids - including my siblings can't do what God designed me to do. Lord only knows why but I know and I'm here and I'm not going anywhere until He tells me otherwise... Thanks for listening, sharing and having my back.. Love you my friend. Amen & blessings to you.
Your values will never permit you to be "other people's children." Be proud of who you are. You are a model for many of us because we are proud of you and how you live your life.