"SAVING FACE" AS A CAREGIVER
Can a Caregiver’s Conscience “save face?”
When I think of “saving face,” I am reminded of a song verse. “I like what I see when I’m looking at me when I’m walking past the mirror.” Those words are the hook to a Mary J. Blige Grammy nominated song, “Just Fine.”
“Save Face” is an idiom. An idiom is defined as an expression; a sequence of words having a specific meaning.
Examples of idioms are phrases like, “the ball is in you court,” which essentially means, “it’s up to you.” Or “under the weather,” meaning not feeling well or being sick. Idioms are often used in the American version of the English language.
In Chinese culture, the concept of “face,” refers to the amount of dignity or prestige associated with an individual.
As an idiom, to “save face” means to retain respect while avoiding humiliation. In other words, to keep your reputation without others losing the respect they have for you. In business, it is routinely used in this manner, “The email/memo stated that the Employee left to pursue other interest in order to allow him to save face. The truth is that he was actually fired.”
Can a Caregiver who is honest with and acts upon the feelings that are simmering, bubbling and boiling within the Caregiver’s Conscience, “Save Face?”
I’m not sure.
As a Caregiver, I have a reputation of being a good daughter. How do I save face if I can no longer act as a Caregiver, and I run back to my life 3,754 miles away.
Can I remain caring and compassionate and totally turn over my Mom’s care to someone else—whether my Sibling or an Agency?
Am I dutiful and dedicated if I “honor my Mother,” by giving up?
Do I appear to be loving and strong if I am always miserable and angry?
Can I leave to pursue other interests (aka my life) without actually being fired?
And if so, can I save face?
“I like what I see when I’m looking at me as I’m walking past the mirror!”
That level of confidence is essential in the corporate world. It has always been important to me to “talk the talk AND walk the walk.” For me, the response to the lines of that song was the acid test.
The “acid test,” is another idiom meaning a situation or event that provides definitive proof of whether something is true or false, right or wrong, good or bad, effective or ineffective.
As a Caregiver if I can look in the mirror, and think, feel or say, “I like what I see when I’m looking at me when I’m walking past the mirror,” that’s the acid test.
And I will know that I can Save Face.
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Thank you for this article and thought-provoking questions.
I feel like I have been taught by example and society that caregiving is an either/or type of care.
Either I care for my mother or I leave her to my siblings or an agency.
Either I care for my mom or I give up my career.
Either I care for my mom or I seen as selfish.
It's that idea that there can't be both. Both/And
I care for my mom and so do my siblings and an agency.
I care for my mom and I care for myself.
I care for my mom and I still have a loving relationship with my husband and family.
I am able to both live a full life and care for my mom.
I care for my mom with LOVE and sometimes exasperation, frustration, anger, etc.
This sounds really good and it has taken me a lot of time, soul-searching, energy work, and shifting of the stories that I was raised with, in order to care for my mom and do all/some of the above.
It doesn't happen every day and there are emergencies when I forget that there's a life outside of caregiving. But I am so much healthier and better able to care for my mom now that I have taken that look in the mirror and changed until I did like what I saw.
By offering your questions, I hope it allows space for other caregivers to look at themselves in the mirror and like what they see. Not only because they are caring for another but because they are also caring for themselves.
❤️
I'm glad I listened to your audio, it's those last lines that reconcile all the conscious questioning, protecting and defending our - SELF.
I can look myself square in the eye, but prefer to when I've got me-time and have make-up back on, hair styled and dressed up