THE DEPRESSED CAREGIVER
WHEN THE CAREGIVER IS DEPRESSED
Depression, as defined by Miriam Webster is “a state of feeling sad; in low spirits specifically a mood disorder that is marked by varying degrees of sadness, despair, and loneliness. And that is typically accompanied by inactivity. guilt, loss of concentration, social withdrawal and sometimes suicidal tendencies. “
And for my purposes, that is the definition that I am going with–no need to delve into clinical depression or the multiple mental disorders that are caused by depression. At least not at the moment.
I have just come to realize that I have been depressed. As a Caregiver, I have felt a multitude of feelings from hopelessness and despair to guilt, anger and hostility. But until recently, I would not have said that I was depressed. Despite my current Caregiver Circumstances, I have only been in a “funk” or a “bad mood” during certain hours of everyday but never consistently all throughout the day. These past few weeks have been different.
There was moment in time when I began feeling, “WTF!” all day, every day, every hour of the day. But it was not a feeling of confusion, anxiety or of frustration–those are daily common Caregiver feelings. It was something more.
Because when the Caregiver is depressed, it is definitely something more.
My symptoms I’m sure are similar and familiar. It’s just that like I said, not all that familiar to me.
Every day, I wake up somewhere that I don’t want to be with a daily agenda complete with a lot of activities that I don’t want to do. And I always wish that I could just turn over and go back to sleep. Well lately, that’s exactly what I have done–turned over, put in earbuds, adjusted my eyeshades and went back to sleep. No matter how many hours that I had actually already slept. Because also during this time, I went to bed as soon as the sun set. But it was not at all a restful sleep.
When I did get up and out of bed–I didn’t make the bed. Now I did make my Mother’s bed daily–but only as a force of Caregiver habit.
My appetite was non-existent, and I wasn’t the least bit interested in cooking. Therefore at least one–if not two–of my Mother’s 3 meals a day consisted of a gourmet frozen meal.
I now realize that I don’t write when I’m depressed. The last day that I wrote a journal entry was weeks ago. My daily journal is just that–a daily journal. A place where I record my activities (outside of Caregiving), feelings and even list the movies that I’ve watched on that day. Writing in my journal helps me to figure things out. Not writing in my journal just led to a further state of confusion.
My daily wardrobe often consisted of whatever I wore and fell asleep in the night before. During this time, I saw absolutely no reason to get dressed, do laundry or shower regularly.
My Mother went on with her daily activities as usual with just the necessary amount of participation from me. Her bed was made, she showered daily and had a wardrobe complete with clean clothes. Although my culinary expertise was not on display, she did not miss one of her 3-meals a day. My Mother is fine because she is well taken care of by Caregiver-Me.
And Caregiver-Me was only allowed to be so depressed. Come what may, Caregiving never ceases.
And Caregiving may have saved me from falling into a deeper state of depression because my Caregiving duties did not end simply because I was feeling melancholy. My Faith only allows me to sink so low into despair before I am forced to encourage myself with the knowledge that “I got this! and God has got me!”
Because as a Caregiver, I may not have places to go or people to see; but I definitely have things to do. And if I don’t do them now, I will have to do them later.
I can identify the exact moment when I realized that I had to change my frame of mind and not let depression get me down. It was the moment when I woke up, took a deep breath and thought, “I think a shower might be good.”
The Caregiver is back in stride again…
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Thank you for your openness and vulnerability. I feel you and can relate although the depression hasn't hit thus far. I'm much too busy to give in to it when it tries to make it's way in. Aside from caregiving I'm also working full-time and juggling things with the kids and grandkids but oh so many times I've wanted to roll over, pull the covers over my head and say, not today... I'm glad you're back and that you can acknowledge what was and what is. Praying for you and your mom.
I feel the weight of your words and understand how heavy caregiving can be. Yet we don't have a choice.
I care for my mom but she still lives alone. It's a balance of administrative work, doctor appointments, scheduling someone to come and help her, and taking her to the bookstore, which is her favorite.
Journaling has always been my Pause Place during stressful times. I also write daily posts, keep track of moves, shows, and books. But I also have kept detailed journals of my mom's journey, especially over the last two years. She has declined quite a bit because of a fall. It allows me to get the negativity out and breathe because that weight has been lifted. I also use my journal as a mirror to how I'm doing, what I need, and the joys that I share with my mom. It stabilizes me most of the time.
I hope your journal holds you and gives you that space to breathe and be as you are.
Sending you lots of positive energy.