a CAREGIVER'S TEMPER
For the Caregiver, TEMPER is an interesting word.
As a noun, “temper” is defined as a person’s state of mind seen in terms of their being angry or calm. Synonyms include words such as attitude, disposition, temperament, mood, or spirit. Used in a sentence, “As a Caregiver, I often find the need to control my temper!”
As a verb, “to temper” means to act as a neutralizing or counterbalancing force. To temper is to dilute, qualify or soften by the addition or influence of something else. It is most commonly heard in the phrase, “Temper justice with mercy.”
As a Caregiver, I experience several different states of mind—many over which I seem to have no control.
I often feel anxious due to the uncontrollable or unexpected actions of my Mother. I must learn to “temper” anxiety and frustration with tranquility.
Whenever, I awaken to find an overflowing toilet, I am extremely annoyed. This frustration must be “tempered” with contentment. Contentment? Well, I have developed a certain expertise in un-clogging the toilet.
I am here as my Mom’s Caregiver because she did not have a plan for these years of her life. I must “temper” the resentment I feel about the situation with sympathy and the hostility with empathy.
I can’t help but become impatient each time my Mother asks me to “fix” the remote that isn’t broken. I “temper” my impatience with the willingness to adjust the remote for a TV that blasts “All Night Long!”
I am remorseful when I yell at my Mother because I have repeatedly given her the same advice on the identical topic for the ‘umpteenth” time. I “temper” my guilt with the assurance and confidence that I am indeed correct in my words of wisdom.
The word wrath only kind of describes the feeling that overcomes me every morning when I wake up somewhere that I don’t want to be. I “temper” my anger with patience. And I try my hardest to feel some delight in the day of Caregiving that awaits me.
Being on constant spill, drop, fall patrol can be very worrisome. I must “temper” worry with acceptance and tolerance.
The sorrow and heartache that I experience remembering the life that I used to know is “tempered” with the joy and jubilation in the knowledge that my Mother is very well taken care of—by me. Joy and jubilation—right—I’m still trying to convince myself.
A temper tantrum is categorized as unpleasant, disruptive behavior or an emotional outburst. It is generally accompanied by yelling, stomping feet, slamming doors, and throwing things with an “F-U” here and an “F-U” there. At least that’s how Adults do tantrums.
As a Caregiver it is essential that I learn to “temper” my tantrums with expressions of love.
I am an acting Caregiver; therefore, my expectations are consistently “tempered” with reality. For you see, I am not actually a Caregiver; I just play one in real life.
As a noun or as a verb–TEMPER is a key word in the vocabulary of a Caregiver.
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Well said Thinking of the word temper in connection with caregiving helps me to think of how I can balance my swinging moods. Temper them to a degree of evenness so there aren’t so many extreme levels of stress, sadness, and anxiety.
To be present to the joys in the midst of the rising temper so that I know I have done the best I can for my mom.
I resonate with so much of what you said and sending you a gentle simmer of ease.
Neatly articulated! Empathetically received...in the darkest days, I was beyond tantrums—I wanted to have a dark vacuum space that could swallow up my frustrated screams, or a big outdoor place I could go and smash things with all the pent-up guilt/remorse/frustration and broken-heartedness.... These calmer days are easier but I know some reflex emotions are desensitised, numbed...a bit like pins and needles where you sit so long in one position that you don't feel the loss of 'can't do's ' so much. I may feel the loss more later, but I don't need to temper things like I did before when I cared for Dad. Today, things are blessedly easier, I've no idea about later or even a few days from now. Also, I think I conserve my energy to avoid the grief of could/what ifs/ future/wishes - we have enough to manage in the reality of today. All to say, I resonate with everything you shared. xo